a brand new poem

I am loved,
by Pam Swalve
9/13/07

I’ll never forget the day I met You
My world turned upside down
I couldn’t believe it was true

Alone for so many years
Just my children and me
Amidst all my tears

You brought me joy
Unspeakable
This simple story girl found by boy

For it wasn’t too long ago
I was rejected and pushed aside
Not much was left but my shattered ego

Then Your love lifted me
In a way I couldn’t believe
No longer rejected, now I was free

Free to love and be loved in return
Trusting You with my heart
Knowing I wouldn’t get burned

For in You I see:
Patience, kindness,
Hope and endurance.
But no arrogance, no rudeness,
no boasting, no selfishness.

You never fail
and now neither will I.
I am loved.

From "Back in the day"

I found these poems I wrote about love over 20 years ago. But the sadness it brings me is that this is exactly how love has turned out in my life. I wrote my future. It's true that our confessions will come to pass. I am now in the process of rewriting love in my life. Come back next week to see what I expect of love now that I met Jesus, the Lover of my soul.

Goodbye

By Pam Swalve
December 14, 1986

The time had come to say goodbye
And it hurt so bad I wanted to cry.
You behaved like my lover
But now I realized you lied.
All those painful times I cried
And fearful nights I felt as if inside I died.
Your crystal clear blue eyes,
Your loving smile,
Our breathless “play fights”.
They were all just an act weren’t they?
No, please, I really do not care to know.

You’ve offended me in the very worst way!
I trusted you with all my heart,
Now you’ve just done broke it in two.
This just isn’t something I can ignore.
I fear it is burned in my heart forever.
Nothing can ever make this feeling fade.
How could you have lied and made it all seem so real?

Someday NightmareBy Pam Swalve
Written sometime in the 80s
Someday you’ll leave me, I know this can’t last,
These days when everything is such a blast.
I may become angry someday
And you’ll go off your own way
And I know for sure if that comes true
That someday I’ll need you
I’ll need ya more than before.

You were always there for me,
No matter when, no matter why!
But now you’re leaving and it hurts.
I may have taken you for granted,
But honey I need you more
Than I have ever needed you before.

My someday nightmare of
You leaving me has come true.
Oh I need so bad to have you!
You’re my one in a million,
You’ll always be my number one.
But without you, life is no fun!

I’m walking blindly,
Never seeing.
I’m talking wildly,
Never making sense.

And that’s because you’re not here
I need you now!
It’s true, I need you more
Than ever before.

Come back, make my nightmare go away.
Darling, please, come back to me!

Spoken:
You know I love you
You know I need you
So why won’t you come back?

(resume singing)
My nightmare has come true,
My darling I need you!
Please come back to me!

What If?By Pam Swalve
9/20/86
I wonder every night if you think of me at all.
My days are filled with what-ifs and maybes,
But I just can’t seem to do anything about it.
I see you everyday and have the perfect chance,
But I can’t bring myself to talk to you,
Even though that’s what I want the most.

Can’t you realize the way I feel?
Isn’t it there a longing look on my face?
I try to express it, but I guess there’s something that won’t let me.
Maybe it’s your blindness, you don’t seem to care one bit.
That’s why I don’t try as hard anymore,
Your eyes seem to look right through me.

Do you think of me as a friend?
Do you think we could ever become closer?
Are we meant to be or not?
There’s no way this’ll come from my lips,
So I guess this poem will have to do.
For now I am stuck with daydreaming and
Unanswerable questions tearing at my heart.

My heart hurtsBy a teenaged Pam Swalve
When there is nowhere else to go and no one will listen, I’ll be here. You know I’ve always waited for the chance to help you through ‘cause I’ll be here just waiting to give you the love you need. Others may not understand and try to tell me not to waste my time. But I love you too much to just let you go, so whenever you need me, please come “cause I will still be here. The things we have done in the past will always be fond memories. The good times we had were too good to ever forget. But now you’re gone and I have nothing left. So I guess that’s the reason I want you back so bad. I know we have better times ahead of us. So when you need some loving, just come to me. But now I really don’t know. If I am just going to be yours when you feel like it ~ is it fair to either one of us? Not me ~ I just get to live for when you decide to come back around. And it wouldn’t be fair if when you needed me I wasn’t there for some reason or another. So I guess what I really want to say (oh how I hate this, but) GOODBYE! My heart hurts so much when I think I’ll never be with you again. But I can’t waste my life waiting for you to maybe come back.

Choices by Pam Swalve

Life is full of choices.

Compassion or Apathy
Health or Sickness
Joy or Sorrow
Faith or Fear
Life or Death
Love or Hate
Truth or Lies
Peace or War
Obey or Rebel
Spirit or Flesh
Victory or Defeat
Wealth or Poverty

The choice is yours because Jesus chose death so you could live.


“…choose you this day whom ye will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” Joshua 24:15 (KJV)

The Other Side of the Fairy Tale

photo courtesy of azuzephre.net
copyright 2005 Jeff Thomas
Here's another fairy tale. Different ending, similar concept from the previous one. Which princess do you choose to be?

The handsome prince and beautiful princess are seated together in the royal dining room. The king and queen have retired to their chambers. Soft candlelight shimmers in the darkness and classical music surrounds the lovers. They stare into each other's eyes oblivious to the world around them. They hold hands as they whisper. Then the prince slips from his chair to the floor beside the princess. He leans down on one knee. Still grasping her hand and gazing into her eyes, he begins to speak...

"Darling, I have loved you from the beginning of time. You are the most beautiful and wonderful woman I have ever known. Your smile lights my world. I want to wake up every morning with you right next to me. I want to spend the rest of forever dancing only with you. I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and spirit. Will you allow me to prove how much I love you for the rest of eternity? Will you marry me?"

Tears glisten her eyes then roll down her cherry red cheeks. She lowers her gaze and sighs, "Oh my, I thought you were never going to ask."

He kisses away her tears. "Does that mean yes?"

She drops his hand and pulls away from his embrace. "Oh, no, I'm sorry. I can't. I mean, I'm not good enough yet. I still have thirty pounds to lose. I have to stop drinking so much. I should go to church and read the Bible more often. Maybe if I got a better servant..."

He interrupts "Honey, what are you talking about? Did you hear what I said? I love you just the way you are. All I want is for you to accept my love. You don't have to do anything."

She pushes away from the table and stands up in a daze. Still muttering, she walks away. "Maybe if I change my hair color and buy a new wardrobe I would look better for him. Oh and if I could get rid of those friends..."

The prince remains alone, still kneeling. He hangs down his head. Heartbroken he cries, "She hasn't even seen the ring. She doesn't get it. I love her unconditionally. All she had to do was say yes."

Not your typical fairy tale...

photo from azuzephre.net
copyright 2005 Jeff Thomas

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who had no idea she really was beautiful. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she quickly turned away thinking "Ugh! No wonder no one wants to marry me." She had heard the stories countelss times of how each of her ancestors came to live in the castle. All their stories had one theme in common: a handsome prince slaughtered an ugly dragon to save a beautiful princess. Then they fell in love and lived happily ever after.



While she enjoyed hearing her history, she didn't believe it would ever become her present. Oh, she had tried many times to wait for a handsome prince to come rescue her. But she always defeated the dragon before any of them could arrive. The prince would then feel helpless and unwanted so he would leave her to fend for herself. Next thing she knew, she was hiding back in the turret, miserable and alone.



Then one day, a new prince rode into town. He wasn't like the other princes she had seen before. There was an air of confidence about him that was startling. Yet he possessed a gentleness that drew out the shyest of strangers. She watched him walk among the peasants, wondering why he had come to her father's kingdom.



She soon found out. It was dinner time at the castle and the princess was headed to the royal dining room. Her mother stopped her and warned her to be on her best behavior. When she walked in the dining room, she saw the prince talking to her father. They stopped and stood as she entered. The prince nodded to her as a blush rose on her cheeks. She curtsied and took her place at the table beside her father.





Dinner went smoothly. Then it was time for dessert. The prince got up from table as the servant brought in the scrumptious delicacies. He took the plates from her hands and served first the queen and then the king. Then the prince set the plate in front of the princess and knelt down on one knee.



"My dear," he said, "I have loved you from the beginning of time..."



She interrupted, "But, sir, I've never met you before today."



"That's okay," he said, "I know all about you. I have asked your father for your hand in marriage because I want to show you my love for the rest of your life. He has given his blessing."



"But, Daddy," the princess turned to her father. "I don't know anything about him. He hasn't slain any dragons for me. How can he know he loves me?"



The king replied, "It's okay my dear. This has been the plan from even before you were born. You were created for the prince."



She shook her head. "I don't understand."



The prince said "My love is a gift freely given. You don't have to understand to accept my unconditional love and become my bride."



"Oh sir, there is so much about me that I must change first. Haven't you heard about my stubborn independence?"



"It doesn't matter to me. Change will happen later. Just come let me love you the way a husband loves a wife," the prince replied.



"Mother, is this true?" asked the princess.



"Yes dear, it is the truth. All you have to do is say yes. He will explain it all to you after the wedding," answered the queen.



The princess drew in a breath before speaking. "Sir, I do not know what I have done to deserve such an honor. I must say I am a bit frightened. But something in your eyes that tells me I will be all right. So, yes, I surrender my independence and all my shortcomings. I will accept your unconditional love and be your wife."



As soon as the words were out of her mouth peace flooded her soul, the room began to glow, and her eyes were opened to all the beauty and majesty of the prince before her. He stood up and kissed her.





The next day they had a beautiful royal wedding and lived happily every after.



The End

GOD'S GRACE

So there I was doing the Bible Study I mentioned earlier "The Way of Purity" from Setting Captives Free ministry and tonight's lesson was about God's grace. A new concept of grace was presented that I had never seen before. As I contemplated the depth of its meaning while I considered my current situation and my need for total deliverance, I bubbled over with JOY!! God's GRACE has a new and exciting meaning for my life.

The following excerpt is from an auto reply I received when I emailed the answers to the lesson. Today I am on Day 9.

"Grace is the principle that both forgives our sin AND breaks the power of it. Consider this Scripture when thinking of what grace does in our lives:

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." -Titus 2:11-

The way that we will know if we are receiving God's grace is if we are learning to say 'no' to ungodly lust and are beginning to live a godly and self-controlled life. "

Apply this to any situation you need God's grace and you will be amazed at the results. Not only will His grace free us from sin, it nullifies the POWER of sin.

That's it! So simple yet so profound!

An Original Poem (especially for men)

This poem is dedicated to my spiritual big brother, Will McLean. He wrote a book for men called "What is a Real Man?"

You can order his book at http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=41177

Men , if your mother has never told you this, you need to hear this now...

The Men You Were Meant To Be

by Pam Swalve

All my boys waiting
to be real men
No more mother me

My sweet boys
all ready to leave home
Time to live your dream

The courage you lost

The tears you cried
The fears you hide
I see them all

Now hear this

You can do it
I know you can

Go fight the battle
Slay the dragon
Set the maiden free

For I set you free
to be the men
you were meant to be

Don't worry about me
I'll be fine
It's time to take
your place in life
Go be the men
you were meant to be

My Perfect Match

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's true...I am finally "in love"! I'm not exactly certain how it happened, I just know that I was sitting there wondering what was going to become of me the way I was heading. I was so busy working the night shift, going to church when I was off, taxi-ing around my teenage daughters when they were home for the weekend and giving "big sister" advice to my little sister and her boyfriend (who I've adopted as my little brother!)

You know how they say you'll find it when you least expect it. I don't know who "they" are, but "they" are right. I'd given up on ever finding true love. I mean I'd seen enough romance movies, heard enough fairy tales and read enough romance stories to write my own. (Oh yeah, which I am STILL in the process of doing BTW, LOL!) You know, the gallant white knight who rides in, sweeps the damsel in distress off her feet and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Or maybe the "When I first met him, he was a jerk, but now we're getting married" type. Or what about that "I hate Clark Kent, but I'm in love with Superman" type? (I always wondered how a pair of glasses could deceive her?) LOL!

Anyhow, I thought I had it all figured out what this love thing was supposed to be. Magic, pixie dust, stars, fireworks, that mushy gooey feeling that says "I've found my soulmate". After all that's how it works, right? Hollywood has seen to indoctrinating us with that ideal.
Or maybe it was really the church's way of thinking, "God will send the right person to you at the right time. He will give a divine signal that this is the one for you. oh yeah, and there's only one for you, divorce is a sin, you know." Besides if God tells you to marry this certain person, then you can blame Him saying the same thing Adam said ,"Lord it was the woman YOU sent me" Blame God, He set you up. No, He doesn't change His mind. And if He doesn't force us to be saved, why would he force us to fall in love with a certain person?. He leads us, no doubt, and "highly suggests" sometimes, but He's a gentleman and He never forces.

So there I was, wondering what it would be like, yet ackowledging it was never going to happen to me.

But then I started to get the image of the perfect match for me: someone who loves God as much as they possibly can and has made a decision to follow him for the rest of their life, no matter what the cost. Someone who loves slow music, quiet candlelight dinners, curling up with a good book any day of the week. Someone who believes having family is as important as spending "family time" together. Someone who finds refreshing in the solitude of the country with beauty surrounding them: the water, the leafy fall trees, the crisp wind, the sounds of nature. Someone who loves people but doesn't mind being alone from time to time. Someone not afraid to cry or laugh or yell depending on what emotions are going on at the time. Someone that can hear my heart's silent cries and give me exactly what I need right when I need it.

Wow, could a person like this really exist? I stopped for a minute and began to wonder if I was setting the standard too high. But then...it happened...all of a sudden, without warning...I realized I already knew just the person. How could I have missed it? How could I have been so blind? Why did I stay in denial when the love was right there with me all the time?

Oh well, no use beating myself up for my deftness, it was time to take action. I got up, straightened my shirt, brushed back my hair and walked over to the one I knew I loved, but had never taken the time to tell. I stood with shoulders back, face on, cleared my throat and leaned closer to the smiling face and beautiful shining eyes. I said, "You know what? I really do love you. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

And you know what happened?

My reflection smiled back at me from the mirror and said, "That's okay, I knew you'd figure it out one day!"

"And the second [command] is like it to love your neighbor as YOURSELF!" Matthew 22:39

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I answered that simple question in kindergarten with a drawing of a nurse passing out medicine. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood I got sidetracked a time or two. First I went on an author kick. I wanted to write best selling novels in the third grade, but I never finished any stories. Then I thought about being in the Air Force so I could be an astronaut during high school and college. But I became a wife and mother instead. Finally I went back to college after remembering my kindergarten assignment and enrolled in nursing school. Then before I could finish, I became an ex-wife. Today I am a nurse. But life didn't work out quite as smoothly as I envisioned when I was five years old.

One day I was challenged by a pastor to love my neighbors as I loved myself. But I had a problem, I didn't love myself. I felt like a failure. Life hadn't turned out the way I imagined. I soon realized the answer to loving myself was right in front of me all along. I had to become the "Pamela Charmeon Swalve" God had created me to be. I needed to discover my unique gifts, talents, personality, temperament and passions, then use them for the glory of God.

So I began to search. Now I am operating within my temperament, personality, abilities, gifts, talents and passion, I truly enjoy working as a nurse. I've begun writing more in my free time. After all, maybe in kindergarten and third grade I knew myself best.

Perhaps you haven't figured out what to be when you grow up. Maybe you've changed your mind, major or job for the 50th time. That's okay. Keep trying and seeking God. Take time to discover your temperament, personality, abilities, gifts, talents and passion.

No matter what you do, you should just be you. Believe me, you'll even like yourself better. I pray that the next time you're asked that simple yet profound question your answer will be: "When I grow up, I want to be ME!"

A Bad Fairy Tale Turns Good

When I got married, I thought I was the princess who had just been rescued by my knight in shining armor. Four short years later, his armor was so dented and rusty that I couldn't even remember why I thought he was my Prince Charming. When he turned his back on me and walked out of my life, my castle crumbled. My heart broke in a million pieces and I vowed to stay locked in the turret for the rest of my life. I was through with men. I wasn't some damsel in distress to be rescued. I could take care of myself. I knew how to slay dragons and ride horses. I would be just fine.

I never planned to raise my own two princesses without a knight beside me. But I had no other option. I went to nursing school, graduated two years later with my bachelor's degree and slowly let down the drawbridge to my heart as I rebuilt my castle.

I met another knight, then another, then another...but I never let any of them get too close. I kept them at arm's length because I refused to bury my bitterness and it seeped through my facade. They left shortly after they realized I was not going to let them rescue me. I didn't need another knight. I had learned to use the sword myself and I could fight better than any of them any day. The drawbridge closed and I felt safe.

After awhile I became lonely and desperate, I let down my drawbridge and asked knight after knight to come rescue me. I jumped in lakes, ready to drown, only to be left there because the knight was afraid to swim. So I swam out and saved myself. Again, I drew up the drawbridge and fortified my castle. No one could get in. The only problem was, I couldn't get out either.

Darkness covered my castle. Happiness disappeared. My two little princesses weren't so little anymore and decided to go to their daddy's castle instead. I let them go, I wasn't doing any of us any good.

The thorny vines from my once beautiful rose bushes overgrew due to neglect and soon no one could see my castle anymore. I sat in the tower, alone, desperate. Close to giving up I cried out, "Lord, where are You?! I need You!"

Looking up with tears on my face I saw a beautiful sight, sitting on top of a majestic white horse was the most handsome Man I had ever seen. His eyes looked straight through me and filled me with a love I never knew existed. He reached out His hand to me and said, "Come away with Me, my princess. I have waited all My life for you. I've loved you since I created the world. Now that you need Me, we can begin the journey I've had planned for you since the beginning of time."

The sun began shining again, the vines parted as we rode down the drawbridge, my heart soared like an eagle. The Knight I had been looking for all my life had been right beside me all the time just waiting for me to call on Him.

Once upon...

Once upon a time in a land called Ohio, there lived a beautiful young girl named Carmelita. She was a pretty young thing with lovely blonde hair and sparkly green eyes. She was living with a wonderful family full of fun and laughter. A male and female guardian and two younger girls and a younger boy comprised this delightful family unit. The guardians took very good care of her and the other children, but one day, she realized something was missing in her life.

Her guardians took her to church every Sunday. The male guardian stood on the platform each Sunday and told stories about a man named Jesus. Carmelita wasn't sure who this Jesus was, but He sounded like a decent man. The male guardian told the congregation they could each have a personal relationship with this Man named Jesus. All they had to do was believe in their hearts and confess with their mouths that Jesus came to earth as a man even though He was the Son of God and that He was born here, died here and was resurrected from the dead to sit at he right hand of His Father, and they would be saved from an eternity in hell, lost forever.

One day the young girl bowed her head and said the prayer. She believed with all her heart that Jesus was her Lord and Savior and she vowed to serve Him. She didn't know what lay ahead for her, she just knew she would never face it alone because her Prince Jesus would walk beside her all the way. When it would be dreadfully hard and exhausting, He promised to carry her in those low moments of her life. During the joyful and exciting times, He would dance in celebration with her. Wherever life took her with its twists and turns, she would never be alone...He would always be there. She had found that missing part of her life and she began the journey of a lifetime.