oh ok

So I guess I didn't really get the gist of the lesson I recently posted for my romance writing class. That is ok. I don't mind learning new things. Although this newest lesson is challenging. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my writing whenever I don't give my muse permission to write badly. I will not know whether I have the concept down if I don't submit something. So I've carved some scenes out of my rough draft and I will analyze and revise! Yay me! Muse, BE FREE!!! I'll let you know how it goes.

my romance writing class

So I've taken the plunge and I'm taking an online writing class called "Romance Writing Secrets". I've decided on my subgenre...erotic romance..and I'm excited about getting started. So thought I would share a little of what I've learned, so here's my 2nd assignment:

Archetype : caring nurturer
Strength: compassion
Central flaw: hardheartedness
Values: family, faith, health
Beliefs: loving someone means heartbreak
Special skills: culinary genius

I knew from a very early age that I was meant to take care of people. In kindergarten I drew a picture of me as a nurse when I grew up. I always took care of those who were sick or hurt. I just wanted to help. My heart was happy when I was focused on other people. I grew up in church learning that serving others was one way to find happiness.
But somewhere along the way I learned the hard lesson that those you love will eventually hurt you. I would give my all to someone only to have them eventually ignore me and move on. My heart shattered in a million pieces as one by one all the people in my life left. My dad, my husband, my children; no one wanted to stay with me they all had some place better to go.
So I learned to take refuge in the kitchen. Whipping up healthy meals gave me the satisfaction of doing something good for myself. I will admit though that for a little while I turned to food as a solace. The textures and aromas fed my senses and filled the hole in my heart, for a little while.

I LOVE football

Ok, ok, those of you that know me are like "what are you talking about?!" You all know I've boycotted sports for nearly 15 years now. But the reason I stopped watching sports and the reason I have begun again are exact opposites. My old specator companion used to ignore me and was too engrossed to explain anything but my new spectator companion showers me with plenty of attention during commercials and half times as well as takes the time to explain what's happening on the field. Besides, as I've gotten older I've come to value "presence" - the act of simply being with the one you love and enjoying time together.

Ugh..I hate being sick

So this whole being sick thing is driving me crazy. One minute I am sick, next minute I'm not, then I'm sick again! This is ridiculous!! I wanna just get better and stay better. Sure I am a nurse, but they say nurses are usually the worst patients. i can totally see why...lol. So saltine crackers, diet 7-up and sugar free jello...oooh boy, my meals for the next few days. Now, if only I could sleep..sigh.

Dreams really do come true...

Wow. I used to wonder if it would really ever happen to me. Then last year I decided to confess positive words over my situation and proclaim that this would be the year my dream came true.

I changed many things besides my words and I am happy to report...he found me. My knight in shining armor has arrived.

Somedays I think I am still dreaming and for a minute I panic thinking I will wake up and he'll be gone. But then I take a deep breath and remember..."Enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow."

I've decided to live in the now and enjoy each little thing along the way of my life's journey. And I must say it has made all the difference in the world.

I am now loved and have someone to love the way I've been dreaming for all these years. It is true..."Good things do come to those who wait."

Maybe I am a princess after all.

To Be or To Do?

Ever wonder if you were doing enough good godly things to make God love you better? Is it more important to do for God or to be for God?

I used to think that if I went to church often enough, read my Bible enough , went to Bible School to become a pastor, sang enough worship songs and volunteered enough hours at church then I could be worthy of God's love. I was wrong. I can't DO anything to make God love me any more. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing.

What a harsh reality for a self serving servant. I used to look not only for God's approval but the awe I inspired in others when they looked at me and saw what all I was doing. But I had this whole Christian life backwards. I can't go to church to become a Christian, I go to church because I am a Christian. I don't serve to be a Christian, I serve because I am a Christian.

Christian means "like Christ". It's really very simple. Read the Biblical account of Jesus's life, then emulate His lifestyle. We make it complicated because we do not understand unconditional love. If we can't do anything to make God love us less, why do we think we can earn more favor and love?!

We don't do God in order to be loved more by God, we are already loved by God, so we can do for Him.

To be or to do? I would just rather BE!!

JOY to the World

I've discovered there is more to being happy than what is all around you. Anyone can be happy for a moment in time when they fall in love or discover a long lost friendship or get a new job or a new car. Or you can be happy someone remembered your birthday and sent you money inside the card. But did you know you can still be happy when the world around you is crashing down? When your checking account is overdrawn and you owe the bank money you don't even have or when your best friend tells you he never wants to speak to you again or your favorite tv show gets cancelled and you don't know how it ends.

It's true...inside your heart is a special place for a little thing called JOY. It isn't dependent on what circumstances tell you is going on. It doesn't reserve itself for special holidays or confirmation of another human around you. I've found my joy in a relationship with a Savior who is called Jesus. The One and Only Lover of my soul who came to earth in the form of a baby so he could grow up to die on a cross and then be resurrected so I could have eternal life and live forever in heaven with Him after my time here on earth is done.

I find the joy is enough to make my heart happy when I make choices that make me feel good on the inside. I've chosen this life I live and I am thankful for all that have traveled with me on this journey.

Each one of you reading this note can have JOY too. You can be HAPPY no matter what is going on around you. You can make the choice to make Jesus your Lord and Savior today. One simple little prayer, "Jesus I love you and I believe you are my savior who died and rose again for me. Please be Lord of my life." That's it. You are saved from eternal damnation and you can live a life of abundance. You don't have to be perfect, you're already forgiven. You don't have to become a mindless robot, just be yourself and follow the two most important commandments in the Bible: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself.

With all that love, you won't have to worry about do's and don'ts; just walk in His Perfect LOVE!!!

God Bless Us All...Everyone!!

a brand new poem

I am loved,
by Pam Swalve
9/13/07

I’ll never forget the day I met You
My world turned upside down
I couldn’t believe it was true

Alone for so many years
Just my children and me
Amidst all my tears

You brought me joy
Unspeakable
This simple story girl found by boy

For it wasn’t too long ago
I was rejected and pushed aside
Not much was left but my shattered ego

Then Your love lifted me
In a way I couldn’t believe
No longer rejected, now I was free

Free to love and be loved in return
Trusting You with my heart
Knowing I wouldn’t get burned

For in You I see:
Patience, kindness,
Hope and endurance.
But no arrogance, no rudeness,
no boasting, no selfishness.

You never fail
and now neither will I.
I am loved.

From "Back in the day"

I found these poems I wrote about love over 20 years ago. But the sadness it brings me is that this is exactly how love has turned out in my life. I wrote my future. It's true that our confessions will come to pass. I am now in the process of rewriting love in my life. Come back next week to see what I expect of love now that I met Jesus, the Lover of my soul.

Goodbye

By Pam Swalve
December 14, 1986

The time had come to say goodbye
And it hurt so bad I wanted to cry.
You behaved like my lover
But now I realized you lied.
All those painful times I cried
And fearful nights I felt as if inside I died.
Your crystal clear blue eyes,
Your loving smile,
Our breathless “play fights”.
They were all just an act weren’t they?
No, please, I really do not care to know.

You’ve offended me in the very worst way!
I trusted you with all my heart,
Now you’ve just done broke it in two.
This just isn’t something I can ignore.
I fear it is burned in my heart forever.
Nothing can ever make this feeling fade.
How could you have lied and made it all seem so real?

Someday Nightmare
By Pam Swalve
Written sometime in the 80s

Someday you’ll leave me, I know this can’t last,
These days when everything is such a blast.
I may become angry someday
And you’ll go off your own way
And I know for sure if that comes true
That someday I’ll need you
I’ll need ya more than before.

You were always there for me,
No matter when, no matter why!
But now you’re leaving and it hurts.
I may have taken you for granted,
But honey I need you more
Than I have ever needed you before.

My someday nightmare of
You leaving me has come true.
Oh I need so bad to have you!
You’re my one in a million,
You’ll always be my number one.
But without you, life is no fun!

I’m walking blindly,
Never seeing.
I’m talking wildly,
Never making sense.

And that’s because you’re not here
I need you now!
It’s true, I need you more
Than ever before.

Come back, make my nightmare go away.
Darling, please, come back to me!

Spoken:
You know I love you
You know I need you
So why won’t you come back?

(resume singing)
My nightmare has come true,
My darling I need you!
Please come back to me!

What If?
By Pam Swalve
9/20/86

I wonder every night if you think of me at all.
My days are filled with what-ifs and maybes,
But I just can’t seem to do anything about it.
I see you everyday and have the perfect chance,
But I can’t bring myself to talk to you,
Even though that’s what I want the most.

Can’t you realize the way I feel?
Isn’t it there a longing look on my face?
I try to express it, but I guess there’s something that won’t let me.
Maybe it’s your blindness, you don’t seem to care one bit.
That’s why I don’t try as hard anymore,
Your eyes seem to look right through me.

Do you think of me as a friend?
Do you think we could ever become closer?
Are we meant to be or not?
There’s no way this’ll come from my lips,
So I guess this poem will have to do.
For now I am stuck with daydreaming and
Unanswerable questions tearing at my heart.

My heart hurts
By a teenaged Pam Swalve

When there is nowhere else to go and no one will listen, I’ll be here. You know I’ve always waited for the chance to help you through ‘cause I’ll be here just waiting to give you the love you need. Others may not understand and try to tell me not to waste my time. But I love you too much to just let you go, so whenever you need me, please come “cause I will still be here. The things we have done in the past will always be fond memories. The good times we had were too good to ever forget. But now you’re gone and I have nothing left. So I guess that’s the reason I want you back so bad. I know we have better times ahead of us. So when you need some loving, just come to me. But now I really don’t know. If I am just going to be yours when you feel like it ~ is it fair to either one of us? Not me ~ I just get to live for when you decide to come back around. And it wouldn’t be fair if when you needed me I wasn’t there for some reason or another. So I guess what I really want to say (oh how I hate this, but) GOODBYE! My heart hurts so much when I think I’ll never be with you again. But I can’t waste my life waiting for you to maybe come back.

Choices by Pam Swalve

Life is full of choices.

Compassion or Apathy
Health or Sickness
Joy or Sorrow
Faith or Fear
Life or Death
Love or Hate
Truth or Lies
Peace or War
Obey or Rebel
Spirit or Flesh
Victory or Defeat
Wealth or Poverty

The choice is yours because Jesus chose death so you could live.


“…choose you this day whom ye will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” Joshua 24:15 (KJV)

The Other Side of the Fairy Tale

photo courtesy of azuzephre.net
copyright 2005 Jeff Thomas
Here's another fairy tale. Different ending, similar concept from the previous one. Which princess do you choose to be?

The handsome prince and beautiful princess are seated together in the royal dining room. The king and queen have retired to their chambers. Soft candlelight shimmers in the darkness and classical music surrounds the lovers. They stare into each other's eyes oblivious to the world around them. They hold hands as they whisper. Then the prince slips from his chair to the floor beside the princess. He leans down on one knee. Still grasping her hand and gazing into her eyes, he begins to speak...

"Darling, I have loved you from the beginning of time. You are the most beautiful and wonderful woman I have ever known. Your smile lights my world. I want to wake up every morning with you right next to me. I want to spend the rest of forever dancing only with you. I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and spirit. Will you allow me to prove how much I love you for the rest of eternity? Will you marry me?"

Tears glisten her eyes then roll down her cherry red cheeks. She lowers her gaze and sighs, "Oh my, I thought you were never going to ask."

He kisses away her tears. "Does that mean yes?"

She drops his hand and pulls away from his embrace. "Oh, no, I'm sorry. I can't. I mean, I'm not good enough yet. I still have thirty pounds to lose. I have to stop drinking so much. I should go to church and read the Bible more often. Maybe if I got a better servant..."

He interrupts "Honey, what are you talking about? Did you hear what I said? I love you just the way you are. All I want is for you to accept my love. You don't have to do anything."

She pushes away from the table and stands up in a daze. Still muttering, she walks away. "Maybe if I change my hair color and buy a new wardrobe I would look better for him. Oh and if I could get rid of those friends..."

The prince remains alone, still kneeling. He hangs down his head. Heartbroken he cries, "She hasn't even seen the ring. She doesn't get it. I love her unconditionally. All she had to do was say yes."

Not your typical fairy tale...

photo from azuzephre.net
copyright 2005 Jeff Thomas

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who had no idea she really was beautiful. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she quickly turned away thinking "Ugh! No wonder no one wants to marry me." She had heard the stories countelss times of how each of her ancestors came to live in the castle. All their stories had one theme in common: a handsome prince slaughtered an ugly dragon to save a beautiful princess. Then they fell in love and lived happily ever after.



While she enjoyed hearing her history, she didn't believe it would ever become her present. Oh, she had tried many times to wait for a handsome prince to come rescue her. But she always defeated the dragon before any of them could arrive. The prince would then feel helpless and unwanted so he would leave her to fend for herself. Next thing she knew, she was hiding back in the turret, miserable and alone.



Then one day, a new prince rode into town. He wasn't like the other princes she had seen before. There was an air of confidence about him that was startling. Yet he possessed a gentleness that drew out the shyest of strangers. She watched him walk among the peasants, wondering why he had come to her father's kingdom.



She soon found out. It was dinner time at the castle and the princess was headed to the royal dining room. Her mother stopped her and warned her to be on her best behavior. When she walked in the dining room, she saw the prince talking to her father. They stopped and stood as she entered. The prince nodded to her as a blush rose on her cheeks. She curtsied and took her place at the table beside her father.





Dinner went smoothly. Then it was time for dessert. The prince got up from table as the servant brought in the scrumptious delicacies. He took the plates from her hands and served first the queen and then the king. Then the prince set the plate in front of the princess and knelt down on one knee.



"My dear," he said, "I have loved you from the beginning of time..."



She interrupted, "But, sir, I've never met you before today."



"That's okay," he said, "I know all about you. I have asked your father for your hand in marriage because I want to show you my love for the rest of your life. He has given his blessing."



"But, Daddy," the princess turned to her father. "I don't know anything about him. He hasn't slain any dragons for me. How can he know he loves me?"



The king replied, "It's okay my dear. This has been the plan from even before you were born. You were created for the prince."



She shook her head. "I don't understand."



The prince said "My love is a gift freely given. You don't have to understand to accept my unconditional love and become my bride."



"Oh sir, there is so much about me that I must change first. Haven't you heard about my stubborn independence?"



"It doesn't matter to me. Change will happen later. Just come let me love you the way a husband loves a wife," the prince replied.



"Mother, is this true?" asked the princess.



"Yes dear, it is the truth. All you have to do is say yes. He will explain it all to you after the wedding," answered the queen.



The princess drew in a breath before speaking. "Sir, I do not know what I have done to deserve such an honor. I must say I am a bit frightened. But something in your eyes that tells me I will be all right. So, yes, I surrender my independence and all my shortcomings. I will accept your unconditional love and be your wife."



As soon as the words were out of her mouth peace flooded her soul, the room began to glow, and her eyes were opened to all the beauty and majesty of the prince before her. He stood up and kissed her.





The next day they had a beautiful royal wedding and lived happily every after.



The End

GOD'S GRACE

So there I was doing the Bible Study I mentioned earlier "The Way of Purity" from Setting Captives Free ministry and tonight's lesson was about God's grace. A new concept of grace was presented that I had never seen before. As I contemplated the depth of its meaning while I considered my current situation and my need for total deliverance, I bubbled over with JOY!! God's GRACE has a new and exciting meaning for my life.

The following excerpt is from an auto reply I received when I emailed the answers to the lesson. Today I am on Day 9.

"Grace is the principle that both forgives our sin AND breaks the power of it. Consider this Scripture when thinking of what grace does in our lives:

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." -Titus 2:11-

The way that we will know if we are receiving God's grace is if we are learning to say 'no' to ungodly lust and are beginning to live a godly and self-controlled life. "

Apply this to any situation you need God's grace and you will be amazed at the results. Not only will His grace free us from sin, it nullifies the POWER of sin.

That's it! So simple yet so profound!

An Original Poem (especially for men)

This poem is dedicated to my spiritual big brother, Will McLean. He wrote a book for men called "What is a Real Man?"

You can order his book at http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=41177

Men , if your mother has never told you this, you need to hear this now...

The Men You Were Meant To Be

by Pam Swalve

All my boys waiting
to be real men
No more mother me

My sweet boys
all ready to leave home
Time to live your dream

The courage you lost

The tears you cried
The fears you hide
I see them all

Now hear this

You can do it
I know you can

Go fight the battle
Slay the dragon
Set the maiden free

For I set you free
to be the men
you were meant to be

Don't worry about me
I'll be fine
It's time to take
your place in life
Go be the men
you were meant to be

My Perfect Match

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's true...I am finally "in love"! I'm not exactly certain how it happened, I just know that I was sitting there wondering what was going to become of me the way I was heading. I was so busy working the night shift, going to church when I was off, taxi-ing around my teenage daughters when they were home for the weekend and giving "big sister" advice to my little sister and her boyfriend (who I've adopted as my little brother!)

You know how they say you'll find it when you least expect it. I don't know who "they" are, but "they" are right. I'd given up on ever finding true love. I mean I'd seen enough romance movies, heard enough fairy tales and read enough romance stories to write my own. (Oh yeah, which I am STILL in the process of doing BTW, LOL!) You know, the gallant white knight who rides in, sweeps the damsel in distress off her feet and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Or maybe the "When I first met him, he was a jerk, but now we're getting married" type. Or what about that "I hate Clark Kent, but I'm in love with Superman" type? (I always wondered how a pair of glasses could deceive her?) LOL!

Anyhow, I thought I had it all figured out what this love thing was supposed to be. Magic, pixie dust, stars, fireworks, that mushy gooey feeling that says "I've found my soulmate". After all that's how it works, right? Hollywood has seen to indoctrinating us with that ideal.
Or maybe it was really the church's way of thinking, "God will send the right person to you at the right time. He will give a divine signal that this is the one for you. oh yeah, and there's only one for you, divorce is a sin, you know." Besides if God tells you to marry this certain person, then you can blame Him saying the same thing Adam said ,"Lord it was the woman YOU sent me" Blame God, He set you up. No, He doesn't change His mind. And if He doesn't force us to be saved, why would he force us to fall in love with a certain person?. He leads us, no doubt, and "highly suggests" sometimes, but He's a gentleman and He never forces.

So there I was, wondering what it would be like, yet ackowledging it was never going to happen to me.

But then I started to get the image of the perfect match for me: someone who loves God as much as they possibly can and has made a decision to follow him for the rest of their life, no matter what the cost. Someone who loves slow music, quiet candlelight dinners, curling up with a good book any day of the week. Someone who believes having family is as important as spending "family time" together. Someone who finds refreshing in the solitude of the country with beauty surrounding them: the water, the leafy fall trees, the crisp wind, the sounds of nature. Someone who loves people but doesn't mind being alone from time to time. Someone not afraid to cry or laugh or yell depending on what emotions are going on at the time. Someone that can hear my heart's silent cries and give me exactly what I need right when I need it.

Wow, could a person like this really exist? I stopped for a minute and began to wonder if I was setting the standard too high. But then...it happened...all of a sudden, without warning...I realized I already knew just the person. How could I have missed it? How could I have been so blind? Why did I stay in denial when the love was right there with me all the time?

Oh well, no use beating myself up for my deftness, it was time to take action. I got up, straightened my shirt, brushed back my hair and walked over to the one I knew I loved, but had never taken the time to tell. I stood with shoulders back, face on, cleared my throat and leaned closer to the smiling face and beautiful shining eyes. I said, "You know what? I really do love you. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

And you know what happened?

My reflection smiled back at me from the mirror and said, "That's okay, I knew you'd figure it out one day!"

"And the second [command] is like it to love your neighbor as YOURSELF!" Matthew 22:39